PAIN COMES WITH FILTERS
Every one’s life journey includes many milestones and anecdotes, some of which you struggle at initially and laugh at later on in life. One such milestone in my recent journey through life has been my second laparoscopic fibroid-removal surgery. The first one was done in 2012 causing me a lot of pain and limitations for 6 whole months. After that all I prayed for, is never to get them again. However, just praying for something not to show up again in your life isn’t sufficient. As a coach, counsellor and therapist I have learnt that when something keeps on showing up in life, we need to understand the trigger root behind it and then heal it with a lot of love and patience.
Now I know what you must be thinking…”how is it possible to reflect on the main cause of what is creating so much pain in you?” But that is the learning lesson because directly or indirectly we continue to layer our emotional wounds with what we should do in life rather than what we would like to do. Our conditioned thought patterns and behaviors don’t allow us to think otherwise, and the moment we try to create some internal change there is a lot of resistance as since childhood we are taught that change is dangerous. In reality change is essential as it is what helps us to sustain our sanity and faith through all the ups and downs we experience. Some situations take time to change so what we can do is change our reaction to those situations by having a more positive approach.
I have continuously been going for my yearly revisions to the gynecologist, however I was only informed that I had 3 small fibroids of 1 to 1.5 inches in diameter. Nonetheless, I kept on noticing how much pain and discomfort I was undergoing. Whatever I would eat, I would get acidity or indigestion and even though I have always lead a healthy and active life full of exercises and nutritious meals, I couldn’t understand why my stomach looked big and round. Why did I feel as if I had no energy? Why did I gasp for breathe so many times? Why did I struggle so much to even stretch and move as a dancer? There were many questions unanswered until my family took me to consult a few other gynecologists here in Mumbai. All of them said the same thing…that I have multiple fibroids and one is so large that it is pushing my liver upwards and creating turmoil in my intestines as well as shifting my uterus to my abdominal area. All this was so shocking that I didn’t know how to react. I was advised to undergo a major open surgery as it was a very complicated case. I had gone numb, trying to pretend to be positive after trying to process all that misery.
I have always fancied ripped beautiful abs but in 2012 I was given 4 laparoscopic cuts for my surgery and this time the doctor informed me that I would have cuts through my entire abdominal area and uterus. I was shaken up as life always brings to us what we try to run away from. So either we try to challenge life or we succumb with no hope left. And that is what I did, I surrendered to the situation trying to mentally prepare myself to have even more scars on my body. This was quite a traumatic thought and feeling as I am also a belly dance instructor and I had just begun to accept my previous scars, leave alone love them. My family was very persistent that there has to be another way out, but I had given up hope after receiving the same feedback from various gynecologists. My mother who has always stood by me through all the sorrows, this time too told me not to worry and that everything will be fine.
I still remember that evening I was conducting one of my belly dance classes in the studio when I informed my students that I will have to discontinue belly dancing or even therapeutic dancing for quite some time due to the impending surgery. All of a sudden one of my students who is a wonderful anesthetist at the Women’s Hospital here asked me to share my report with her. She was adamant that even though it is a major surgery it doesn’t require an open surgery and can be done laparoscopically, giving small incisions again. Dr Arundathi made me speak to Dr Shweta Raje who has been conducting laparoscopic surgeries for fibroid removal since more than 15 years. After having a word with her, I shared all the reports with her, followed by an appointment. Dr Shweta studied the entire case, and guaranteed me a laparoscopic surgery having 2-3% chance that it might require an open surgery if the case gets extremely complicated.
I couldn’t believe what I had just heard. All I could feel was my heart beating fast as I tried to control my tears from rolling down my eyes. The head anesthetist, Dr Manju Sinha too gave me the assurance that they have faced such cases before and that I will be well taken care off. I had just felt as if there was a divine intervention and God had sent me all these angels to get me through all this gracefully. Mom and I were relieved and happy but I knew that there is something that needs to be fixed within even after the surgery. So I began mentally preparing myself that physically I will be very less active post-surgery as I will require complete rest for 3 months, however that is the time I will keep myself mentally very energetic. It may sound silly but I was looking forward to this surgery as I had changed my entire attitude and was ready to learn all that I required to during and after the surgery.
3 days after I consulted Dr Shweta, I underwent the surgery, maintaining myself in a calm and meditative mode, this time surrendering myself to the Divine Universe and having faith that everything will go well. The surgery was 6 hours long and after a lot of blood loss and 18 fibroids removed, the surgery was a success. I will always be grateful to Dr. Arundathi, Dr. Shweta, and Dr. Manju for being my medical angels at that time when I only faced despair. Not to forget that woman who has been outside the operation theater various times in life praying to God to save her daughter. Even though I have undergone various life-threatening events, I couldn’t understand that I needed to heal a lot of internal wounds and instead kept on finding happiness externally. With continuous abundant support from my wonderful family, I began my journey of transcending all those subconscious layers so that I could heal the trauma and pain stored in the memory of my cells and organs.
I read various inspirational books, heard many guided meditations and did a lot of self-talk to love myself and heal my wounds. We humans are conditioned to running away from pain, little knowing that in that pain is where our learning lesson prevails. Today it is four months since my surgery and I cannot tell you all that I have discovered and learn about the real Natasha without any filters attached. I feel no pain at all and am building up my stamina to hit the dance floor shortly. I feel radiant, healthy and complete!
I will share all the unlimited knowledge as part of my journey with you in the following blog…so stay tuned!